Isolated

Things are a bit clear now or are they? I can see what I want to do.. feels like its just 4 more months. Everyone wants to stay in school, say that its the best thing, friends, freedom and everyone seems to have it. I also had an amazing experience in one of my schools. I want to work now, I wanted to study but I changed my mind, just like that. I saw a bit of struggle and I change my mind. In a job also when faced with struggles I might change my mind you never know. The will to study and the opportunity to study are not the only things that govern whether you want to study or not. There are a million other things which other people might not have to consider but I do. I have been cribbing so much about finances but now when given an opportunity to study and get paid for it I turned it down. What for? Isn't that crazy? Well, I don,t know, but I don't want to commit myself for 4 years to a thing about which I am doubtful even from now. everyone asks me to stop thinking, well you have a brain right and you have all these issues how do you stop thinking. I am not sad I am just questioning the fact that will I be happy when I go out from here into another strange land with no friends whatsoever? I will be financially okay but is all the looking forward to this event in my life justified? Am I not over-happy about this thing? People have made so many friends, I am official the least social person I have ever known. Emotional support is so important when you come so far away, now I understand why people come after getting married or bring their boyfriends/girlfriends along. The thing that irritates me the most is these kind of people giving unwelcome advice to other people about the art of learning to adjust. All these things makes me skeptical about excepting anything from anyplace or anyone. Everything I do, is just out of a fixed timetable every other ordinary person does or follow. Nothing special about it or me. I recently told a friend of mine that I wanted to do something special in life something important but when I look at the repercussions I think well let's just chuck it, maybe all the struggle and the pain that goes along with it is not worth it. How would I ever be able to justify the past 6 months of solitude and tears and pain towards anything. It makes me feel like if I stayed back and applied at a few places I wanted to work in probably I would have been more happy. Or maybe? The past 6 months have seriously made me doubt that is there anything about which I will be ever happy in life. Every happy moment is short lived. Its like spurts of happiness in the vast duration of sadness and hopelessness. Anyways I have to stay together. Everything will be over and I will be in favourable surroundings soon.

Goa...........

Hmm... Goa, when I first got an admission from BITS-Goa, I was needless to say relaxed, for the alternative would have been a ridiculously expensive, highly overrated, definitely not worth it university. And boy, was I glad I made that decision. Looking back at the times I think that was the best decision I made ever in my life till now. I had the most amazing times of my life there. If given a chance I would always want to go to Goa, once every year. It was here where I realized my love for beaches. Not the crowded ones, but the quiet ones.... The beaches of Majorda, Wagator... so quiet , so peaceful... Ah Majorda, the white sand, the tables on beach with candles all set for romantic dinners, and the patch of the beach where there were riptides, so that noone went to the water there and the beach being completely empty. It felt like a private beach and I just remembered all the countless sunsets I have seen there. Oh, the bike rides to all the places... The cute li'l colonial houses all along the 'perfect for riding' roads, the shopping places alongside the beaches...

I have always been afraid of water, but when you stand on the sand, with the sun sinking into the horizon, and the water is all of shades colour you can imagine, the clouds giving your imagination a shape and the waves just kissing your feet, I don't think anyone can resist that. Well, atleast I couldn't... I enjoyed watching the most scenic sunsets everyday for 4 years, I enjoyed the rains and rainbows and wonderful winds every evening... I couldn't have asked for a better place to live... Everyone tells me its the people and not the place, well I agree having found so many amazing friends did made a difference, but there was some undeniable charm in the place too. First, our campus was just brilliant. The place was just way too scenic, atop a hillock, looking over the Zuari river. My parents always told me everyone should have the hostel experience in their live. It helps you grow up, makes you realize what you are capable off and more importantly, you make friends who stay with you for life. I know school life was great, but it was very rare to share every single moment with your friends when back in school. You had to go home at some point. In BITS, your hostel was your home. I cannot even explain how fun it was to celebrate birthdays at the midnight, or sitting and chatting, watching FRIENDS, sipping hot mugs of tea, making maggi, taking care of each other in case someone fell sick, or had some crisis.. I remember studying together the first semester for weekly quizzes...celebrating holi together, watching ridiculous movies and talking... Oh the talking, I miss the most, talking about anything and everything under the sun, just blabbering and laughing and the walks after dinner, and hanging out at nescafe, or monginis, or juice center. It was just amazing. May not be sophisticated or glamorous, but it was in these small things where lied so much happiness.

College is over and we should realize it. It was fun 4 years. That's why everyone used to say, enjoy as much while you can, not because you can't when you go out, but then the things which spelled happiness for you will change and in most cases not for good. I am not clinging on to the past wishing that I could go back always but sometimes nostalgia just overpowers you and you close your eyes and picture the day when 11 people packed into a Tata Sumo talking all kinds of crap, singing all kinds of songs just driving down the road in the most beautiful place I have ever been..

Let it be...

I forgot for a while how hard it is to say goodbye to the people you love.... I hate goodbyes and I suck at them. I don,t want to say a goodbye ever. I said goodbye to one of the dearest friends I made after coming here. Doing so made me realized how hard it is to make a friend who thinks like you, and more importantly how hard it is to say goodbye. As I was seeing her get into the bus, I wish I could shout out at the universe for making this happen.. But I couldn't for I knew that even though this brings immense heartbreak for me, it showered so much happiness for her.

If you know me, then probably I am the most sentimental person you have ever seen. I am the kind of person who cries at the most ridiculously made movies and series. I hate that about me, crying has been a sign of weakness, I hate that I am so weak that I can't control my tears. I was supposed to love this phase of life and I hate that I hate this life so much. I want to love what I do, and nothing is helping. I feel so helpless, being 16,000 miles away from home. Why is it that I am so attached to home like a 2 year old? Its so hard worrying about everything. I guess that kind of takes out the motivation to do anything. But this is not me, I was supposed to be strong, stand by all... and all of this makes me mad , mad at my inability to stand upto a decision I made. I want to believe thats this decision is not wrong. I know deep in my heart that this decision is not wrong. Then why does it feel wrong... I don,t want it to feel wrong. But everytime I think of it my mind just drifts off to the fact that what if it is wrong. What if I didn't know what to do... But then I want to study more, studying was the only thing I was ever good at, studying is the only thing I did ever... Studying is all I know, all I did for the past 20 years of my life and now I can,t wait to be done with it... I want to do a Phd but not like this, not like worrying about everything else except studying, worrying about a stupid loan, worrying about internship, worrying about getting a professor...What the hell is this? I thought that doing Phd is all about studying and research and doing things that you like.... This is wrong and I don,t know what have I done to deserve this...

I know sometime I will look back at this time and think that this made me strong, but right now I don't want to be strong. I wish to live comfortably, not luxuriously but comfortably. I am not really uncomfortable right now, but it would be nice to take a trip or go out for dinner without feeling bad. Now as I write this I realize I am so damn spoilt... Why can't I live without a trip outside of West Lafayette, why am I so mad at not being able to go outside for a movie.... Why is it necessary? And I am sick of people asking me again and again and again... How the hell do I made them realize that its not the same for me? Am I overreacting... No, I don,t think so. I am not overreacting and you know what when people say I understand that its all bull shit... people don't understand a thing, they just keep telling it like some broken record, well if you understand it, how about not mentioning it the next time, or even if you mention it how about not looking fucking pissed about it... I haven,t talked to my home since last week, haven't talked to my love since 10 days... 10 days... Its bad enough that I get to see them after 1.5 years.. this was not supposed to be hard.One moment of smile brings a million reasons to cry and I hate crying, I hate myself for not making myself strong enough not to cry.I hate myself for losing my temper and not just ignore people who don't matter.

Oh God! I don,t know what to do.... Just Let it be :|