Isolated

Things are a bit clear now or are they? I can see what I want to do.. feels like its just 4 more months. Everyone wants to stay in school, say that its the best thing, friends, freedom and everyone seems to have it. I also had an amazing experience in one of my schools. I want to work now, I wanted to study but I changed my mind, just like that. I saw a bit of struggle and I change my mind. In a job also when faced with struggles I might change my mind you never know. The will to study and the opportunity to study are not the only things that govern whether you want to study or not. There are a million other things which other people might not have to consider but I do. I have been cribbing so much about finances but now when given an opportunity to study and get paid for it I turned it down. What for? Isn't that crazy? Well, I don,t know, but I don't want to commit myself for 4 years to a thing about which I am doubtful even from now. everyone asks me to stop thinking, well you have a brain right and you have all these issues how do you stop thinking. I am not sad I am just questioning the fact that will I be happy when I go out from here into another strange land with no friends whatsoever? I will be financially okay but is all the looking forward to this event in my life justified? Am I not over-happy about this thing? People have made so many friends, I am official the least social person I have ever known. Emotional support is so important when you come so far away, now I understand why people come after getting married or bring their boyfriends/girlfriends along. The thing that irritates me the most is these kind of people giving unwelcome advice to other people about the art of learning to adjust. All these things makes me skeptical about excepting anything from anyplace or anyone. Everything I do, is just out of a fixed timetable every other ordinary person does or follow. Nothing special about it or me. I recently told a friend of mine that I wanted to do something special in life something important but when I look at the repercussions I think well let's just chuck it, maybe all the struggle and the pain that goes along with it is not worth it. How would I ever be able to justify the past 6 months of solitude and tears and pain towards anything. It makes me feel like if I stayed back and applied at a few places I wanted to work in probably I would have been more happy. Or maybe? The past 6 months have seriously made me doubt that is there anything about which I will be ever happy in life. Every happy moment is short lived. Its like spurts of happiness in the vast duration of sadness and hopelessness. Anyways I have to stay together. Everything will be over and I will be in favourable surroundings soon.