Let it be...

I forgot for a while how hard it is to say goodbye to the people you love.... I hate goodbyes and I suck at them. I don,t want to say a goodbye ever. I said goodbye to one of the dearest friends I made after coming here. Doing so made me realized how hard it is to make a friend who thinks like you, and more importantly how hard it is to say goodbye. As I was seeing her get into the bus, I wish I could shout out at the universe for making this happen.. But I couldn't for I knew that even though this brings immense heartbreak for me, it showered so much happiness for her.

If you know me, then probably I am the most sentimental person you have ever seen. I am the kind of person who cries at the most ridiculously made movies and series. I hate that about me, crying has been a sign of weakness, I hate that I am so weak that I can't control my tears. I was supposed to love this phase of life and I hate that I hate this life so much. I want to love what I do, and nothing is helping. I feel so helpless, being 16,000 miles away from home. Why is it that I am so attached to home like a 2 year old? Its so hard worrying about everything. I guess that kind of takes out the motivation to do anything. But this is not me, I was supposed to be strong, stand by all... and all of this makes me mad , mad at my inability to stand upto a decision I made. I want to believe thats this decision is not wrong. I know deep in my heart that this decision is not wrong. Then why does it feel wrong... I don,t want it to feel wrong. But everytime I think of it my mind just drifts off to the fact that what if it is wrong. What if I didn't know what to do... But then I want to study more, studying was the only thing I was ever good at, studying is the only thing I did ever... Studying is all I know, all I did for the past 20 years of my life and now I can,t wait to be done with it... I want to do a Phd but not like this, not like worrying about everything else except studying, worrying about a stupid loan, worrying about internship, worrying about getting a professor...What the hell is this? I thought that doing Phd is all about studying and research and doing things that you like.... This is wrong and I don,t know what have I done to deserve this...

I know sometime I will look back at this time and think that this made me strong, but right now I don't want to be strong. I wish to live comfortably, not luxuriously but comfortably. I am not really uncomfortable right now, but it would be nice to take a trip or go out for dinner without feeling bad. Now as I write this I realize I am so damn spoilt... Why can't I live without a trip outside of West Lafayette, why am I so mad at not being able to go outside for a movie.... Why is it necessary? And I am sick of people asking me again and again and again... How the hell do I made them realize that its not the same for me? Am I overreacting... No, I don,t think so. I am not overreacting and you know what when people say I understand that its all bull shit... people don't understand a thing, they just keep telling it like some broken record, well if you understand it, how about not mentioning it the next time, or even if you mention it how about not looking fucking pissed about it... I haven,t talked to my home since last week, haven't talked to my love since 10 days... 10 days... Its bad enough that I get to see them after 1.5 years.. this was not supposed to be hard.One moment of smile brings a million reasons to cry and I hate crying, I hate myself for not making myself strong enough not to cry.I hate myself for losing my temper and not just ignore people who don't matter.

Oh God! I don,t know what to do.... Just Let it be :|