One month gone... 23 more to go...

It's been one month.. The decision doesn't seem so right anymore. The distance so painful that tears cannot justify them. Every second you spend here I wish were not here, but back to where I belong. If someone would have told me this earlier, I would have thrashed saying what an absurd comment to make. But, its with mistakes you learn. I made another decision today, and it feels right. To stay for 2 years and not for 5. To work in two years and be over with it all. The financial repercussions of my so called "dream" is hurting the people I love the most. So, what choice do I have? To have a fancy prefix to my name, or to do what really matters. I agree I am materialistic, I do not know what's wrong with it. The only people who are not materialistic is people who have enough to not worry about it. So, yes I will say, I think there is nothing wrong in being materialistic. I want an easy life, luxurious life, so I think there is nothing wrong in being materialistic.

I have left so many people whom I love back home. This place seems cold, when you have to live with people you wouldn't wanna be friends with. Every small thing is missed so much that it seems like having a constant ache. People find it good, but I don't. People say it's too early to not like it. Can I ask, if I had liked it, people wouldn't have told me that its too early to like it , then why is not liking part not acceptable? Why the hell do I care about what people are thinking?

2 years , the countdown has begun. One month has gone and I have to survive just another 23, before its all over for good.

16,000 kms away from home. WOW, I never thought I will miss home this bad. Every morning I wake up wishing I was back to the place I love, to the place I belong. Let me tell you one thing, it does not feel good to be a foreigner.

When I think back of home, I feel there are a million things I should have done, or rather not have done. I shouldn't have shouted at mom, when she made parathas for breakfast 3 days in a row, shouldn't have shouted at Dad when he bought a million fruits for you to eat, shouldn't have fought with brother for one extra hour of Internet, should have told them how much they mean to me, how much they are being missed now, how much I wish I could come back, should have thanked them for sacrificing so much for me, should have helped them more, should have made less demands....

When I think back of the love of my life, I wish I should have never applied, should have never come here. I just want one more day with him, just one more hour. I wished I had fought less over petty things, should have given more time to him, shouldn't have made him wait for me for hours, should have taken a little less time in getting ready, should have gone to his choice of restaurants and not made a fuss, should have taken care of him a li'l bit more. What would I not give to be back with him... 2 more years, sounds so much worse. I swear it will just be 2 years of studying. I could hear the happiness in my mom's voice when she said come back beta, even 2 years is a long time.

I am sure the place is great and holds undeniable charm to a lot of people, it just doesn't cut out for me. I never gave so much thought while applying. I never knew I would be so lost..

Home....

Its too hot.. its too cold... its unsafe... But still I cannot stop but love Delhi. Its been my home for 18 years, and every moment I spend away from home, my heart aches for it...

I haven't been home for the past 5 years and won't be for the next 5 years. It all seems so unfair to me. I am not a sentimental fool, still the thought of leaving home and seeing my family for 20 days in a year for the next 5-6 years tears my heart apart, so much so that I want to rethink my career choices. I have always not thought much of people who sacrifice their career for family, but now that I am in a similar situation, I know how wrong I was.

Anatole France once said and I quote " All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another." Its so strange, I applied to grad school knowing fully well, I have to stay away from home for another gruelling 5 years. I know grad school is going to be an experience of a life time still I do not want to leave.

Its your home, where you learnt everything, where you became you. What are you supposed to do, just move on... I miss bapa's constant reminder to eat fruits , exercise regularly, mummy's constant reminder to study hard, show less anger, drink milk, have medicines, talk politely, pray every evening, non ending fights with brother, back answering him till he has no retort left, fighting over the last leg piece of tandoori chicken... I miss home. I don't want to be away.
The though of cuddling up to mummy when sleeping, going to Mother Dairy with bapa, fighting with Rinkun for remote even when nothing is on TV just gives me unparalleled happiness.

After all, everything we do is to achieve a happy life.