Pros and Cons ....

It's that point in life again. I have been feeling that I am constantly on move. Every time I get settled and feel at home at some place, its time to pack things up and start life afresh. I have not yet decided whether doing so is good or bad. Five years ago I made such a move and I will swear on anything that it was one of the best decisions of my life. Five wonderful years.. I don't regret any of it. I have learnt so much academically and otherwise. Now I have left Goa since the last one year, but the attraction to it still remains. Not because its a hip place to be in or something but because it was my home for four years. Despite being extremely attached to my family I stayed there and except for the initial bout of home-sickness, I don't think I have ever wished to leave it. Well, the above statement is just an exaggeration. I have wished to leave it atleast a thousand times, when I got bad marks, when I fought with friends, when I got sick... But I realize now all this made that place special. I mean if it were all happy memories there, probably it would not have left such a mark in my heart.

Now five years later, I begin another journey. This time its huge... huger than huge.. Its not a place which is just a phone call away from my come. The feeling somehow is a bit different. Its a feeling of excitement mixed with anxiety. Excitement about all the new things I am going to learn and experience and fear of the unknown, of going to a strange land. So, many rules which seem absurd.. so many things to be taken care of. It's not like if you screw up it will be okay... because I know it will be not. But, at the same time I know a little bit of caution and the experience I gain out of it, it will be priceless. Knowing all the pros and cons.. I can only hope that this decision comes out to be another good one.

Betrayed by own country... Where will they go?

Imagine knowing that the air you breathe will kill you, when you have no wish to die? What do you do then.. stop breathing? Imagine worse, the death will not come instantly, except for a few ( which under given circumstances will be a less severe punishment), but it will come as a slow painful death.. Imagine the people you look upon as your saviors, taking advantage of the pain to fill their pockets .. Imagine someone estimating the cost of life of your loved one at 25,000 rupees...
Bhopal gas tragedy, the worst in the world. Official figures state the number of deaths associated with it to be 15,000, actual figures say otherwise. What do you think should be the punishment for torcher and murder of 15000( let's say) people, innocent people... Can't imagine right? It is 2 years of imprisonment, 25 years after the tragedy took place. WOW.. one must say hats off to Indian Legal system.. People may counter saying all we do is blame the government and the system, but ask the people who have gone through hell in these past 25 years. Forget medical expenses, the judiciary is incapable of delivering a proper sentence to the murderers.
How does one prove their misery? How will one prove the misery over a dead loved one? How will one prove the misery over giving birth to a metally and physically disabled child? How does one prove the misery of lying on deathbed? This is what the victims are being asked to do.. to prove their misery to get a measly amount of 25k. 25k to assuage their pain of 25 years. What was considered to be a billion dollar setllement the Indian government settled for 470 million dollars for 1.8 lakh people. Actual figures 6 lakh people are affected. On calulation comes out to be 4000 rupees per person. Why did Indian governmet settled out of court? Why does the main accused never appeared once in court, despite a non bailable warrant being issued in his name?
How will these people ever believe in Indian Judiciary or the Indian government? The supreme court abandoned the criminal cas against union carbide in 1989.
The Indian Council for Medical Research (ICMR), which was to investigate the long-term effects of the industrial disaster, stopped their studies within a decade. The victims are no longer treated as victims of gas exposure as there is no proof.

The question remains where do the people go for justice?

Home....

Its too hot.. its too cold... its unsafe... But still I cannot stop but love Delhi. Its been my home for 18 years, and every moment I spend away from home, my heart aches for it...

I haven't been home for the past 5 years and won't be for the next 5 years. It all seems so unfair to me. I am not a sentimental fool, still the thought of leaving home and seeing my family for 20 days in a year for the next 5-6 years tears my heart apart, so much so that I want to rethink my career choices. I have always not thought much of people who sacrifice their career for family, but now that I am in a similar situation, I know how wrong I was.

Anatole France once said and I quote " All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another." Its so strange, I applied to grad school knowing fully well, I have to stay away from home for another gruelling 5 years. I know grad school is going to be an experience of a life time still I do not want to leave.

Its your home, where you learnt everything, where you became you. What are you supposed to do, just move on... I miss bapa's constant reminder to eat fruits , exercise regularly, mummy's constant reminder to study hard, show less anger, drink milk, have medicines, talk politely, pray every evening, non ending fights with brother, back answering him till he has no retort left, fighting over the last leg piece of tandoori chicken... I miss home. I don't want to be away.
The though of cuddling up to mummy when sleeping, going to Mother Dairy with bapa, fighting with Rinkun for remote even when nothing is on TV just gives me unparalleled happiness.

After all, everything we do is to achieve a happy life.

Happy Holi... Wait a minute... What's holi?

I cannot believe that I am in office during holi. Never in the past 22 years of my existence have I never played holi unless and until I have been sick or something. I played holi even when I had my board exams just the next day... No yummy food, no colors, no water balloons, no scrubbing yourself red and still looking multicolored for days. I like holi a lot. I want to play holi. Its been 5 years since I spent either holi or diwali with my family, and now that I am with my cousins, everyone is off to office. Why?? Why is Holi a working day here in Bangalore? No matter how hard I try to convince myself I cannot come to a logical reason. Sad... Anyways I am here in office, in a crappy mood, writing my mid semester report. Still , Happy Holi to everyone.... :)

Reviving an old forgotten hobby

When we are swamped with reports, assignments, classes, tests, all we need is a day when we have nothing to do except sleep, eat, read (novels) , watch your favourite shows, listen to music, dance, etc. etc, and maybe just lie around doing nothing. But when we get that, the nothing to do part, all we want is some work to do... Wierd, but that's the way things are.. I have been so tensed and swamped with a million exams to give, a billion sops to write, a trillion revisions of the sop and then study again , and then sop and then study, and so on and so forth but now there seems to be a big hollow, with nothing to do.

I am not complaining but there is a huge lull, and I know this is the lull before the storm, the storm of stuff to do at graduate school. PhD is no joke. I have seen my friends so swamped with work, that they forget to sleep, the time they are done with today's work, its already tomorrow. So, this long long time which I have before I start cribbing and complaining about humongous loads of work again, I want to utilize it, reading novels, and catch up with all the reading I neglected during engineering. I feel bad thinking about it now. I used to read a lot, a LOT but the desire to do good in engineering, combined with the fierce competition at every level made me drop this habit of mine for quite a while now.

I have recently started reading novels again. I recently finished the famous "A Catcher in the Rye" by J.D. Salinger. It was good and refreshing to read a different kind of book. The story is about a rebellious boy who thinks absolutely everything is a waste, and is thoroughly confused about his own opinions as well as ambition and intention. This book made me laugh, made me sad, and reminded how much fun is it to get lost in a story. The main protagonist in the book has been thrown out of many schools, mainly because of his disinterest in studies. He had been through a lot in his life, and now instead of trying to get an education he wants to live as an outcast. I liked the ending of this book a lot. How a li'l sister not exactly convince, but through her actions makes her brother to stay at home and not run off to some ranch to herd cattle and basically throw away his life. All of us have gone through this mutinous stage: some extreme, some not too extreme. I liked the way this book was written, it was like someone would have written in his diary, not decorated with flowery vocabulary and stuff but crude and original, as the one sees the world.

So, coming back to my resolution to atleast read 100 books before going to grad school, I am deciding on my next book. I have four books lying in my room: A farewell to arms by Ernest hemigway, A brief history of time by Stephen hawking, Kim by Rudyard Kipling and Maximum city: Bombay lost and found by Suketu Mehta, I am having a hard time deciding which one to pick. But I am most likely to go with Suketu Mehta. I am curious to know about the city which I love and admire from someone else's point of view.

Till then waiting for results and reading novels :)

JOB

Placement season is here... and its chaos all around. I never considered myself to be a person who would run around looking for jobs that I have really no interest in doing. But its weird how things turn out, how perspectives change, but its natural I guess. Everyone needs a job. I never thought I would even consider doing something I know I will not like. But as the situation arises, I am. And this makes me feel gloomy and sad. I am a geek. I love electronics, I love how electrons and holes constitute current flow in a MOS. I love how a chip so small can have millions of transistors. I love transistor level simulation. I love how Faraday's law gave us Induction motors, and other machines. I love how the world now is dependent on 0's and 1's. I love how you can hold a signal and prevent it from going any further when you don't want it to. I love electronics and electrical engineering. At the verge of completing my engineering I do not wish to do anything but electronics. And the sad part about all of this is ,everything I wish to do is idealistic. But that is what I want to do. I do not want to compromise. I know I am being a stubborn, but that's who I am. I see no point in earning 7 figures if I don't like my job. In a period of 6 months I have got a faint hint of what it is to not like your work. I don't like to sit idle. The past 6 months of sitting idle has been enough. I love my internship now. If it were not for the scarcity of transportation to my home I don't think I would leave my office until dinner. I have got a taste of both, and though a bit short on other fancy services, I love my work now. I actually get to sit and think, rather than running a code, and compiling results. My mom tells me she thinks I will do good in any career path I choose. But, then again she is my mother she is supposed to say this. I am not sure I would even want to do good at some place I do not like to work. I have seen may people give up on their dreams and I am not saying that it is wrong but it shouldn't be the case. People should be allowed to dream and accomplish them and not looked down upon if their dream is not a "safe" choice. I don't like this rat race at all. I mean most of the people don't but they ( including me) become a part of this race either knowingly or unknowingly. The world is full of injustice and one doesn't realize it unless it happens to you. I am just putting random thoughts into this post which I know will not make any sense at all when it is complete. But frankly I don't care. I just wanted to write something. Anything. ...

Doctor, Marine Biologist, IAS, CEO, ENGINEER !!!!

The Great Apping Season

Here we are.. GRE long over , it is time for the horrendous process of apping to begin.. actually it already has begun torturing me day and night. The only solace I have is also not certain. If (and I must say it is a big if) I get into a good university with sufficient funding I can probably justify all the sleepless nights writing a SOP (Statement of purpose, for those who don't know). I have always considered myself capable of reading simple instructions about filling the forms. But no, this is not the case for filling out all the online appliactions. Its scary I don't know why but it is. The whole graduate studies thing is over hyped, and rightly so, because it is a big deal for many and for me too.

Coming back to the process of Apping, its not just the SOP , you have to write a diversity essay, an accomplishment essay, an essay justifying why the university would give u a few thousand dollars of funding fro their pool... but am I complaining? Well yes, I did complain for a long long time but I think I have settled. Almost settled that is. I can't stop cribbing, its one of my characteristic, without it I wouln't feel like I have worked at all. Ya, the process of apping, I have become used to it. The last minute scramble to do everything ranging from sending packets, sending ETS scores , organizing letters or recommendation to actually uploading the SOP which single handedly has the potential to make or break your chance of studying at an International university is dreadful.

Everyday I come back from office, switch on the laptop, stare at my statement of purpose and think of ways making it better which include evrything from looking at different SOPs, to bugging friends (which I doubt someday will stop them from being my friends), to bugging any person who I know can help me making my sop better , to improving it myself and then discarding all the changes. Its confusing and frustrating and something you cannot do without. So, the point in writing this post is nothing, its just one of the ways for me to complain on a much larger level...

P.S. Its not that bad as I have made it sound, I tend to dramatize things a bit sometimes :)