Isolated

Things are a bit clear now or are they? I can see what I want to do.. feels like its just 4 more months. Everyone wants to stay in school, say that its the best thing, friends, freedom and everyone seems to have it. I also had an amazing experience in one of my schools. I want to work now, I wanted to study but I changed my mind, just like that. I saw a bit of struggle and I change my mind. In a job also when faced with struggles I might change my mind you never know. The will to study and the opportunity to study are not the only things that govern whether you want to study or not. There are a million other things which other people might not have to consider but I do. I have been cribbing so much about finances but now when given an opportunity to study and get paid for it I turned it down. What for? Isn't that crazy? Well, I don,t know, but I don't want to commit myself for 4 years to a thing about which I am doubtful even from now. everyone asks me to stop thinking, well you have a brain right and you have all these issues how do you stop thinking. I am not sad I am just questioning the fact that will I be happy when I go out from here into another strange land with no friends whatsoever? I will be financially okay but is all the looking forward to this event in my life justified? Am I not over-happy about this thing? People have made so many friends, I am official the least social person I have ever known. Emotional support is so important when you come so far away, now I understand why people come after getting married or bring their boyfriends/girlfriends along. The thing that irritates me the most is these kind of people giving unwelcome advice to other people about the art of learning to adjust. All these things makes me skeptical about excepting anything from anyplace or anyone. Everything I do, is just out of a fixed timetable every other ordinary person does or follow. Nothing special about it or me. I recently told a friend of mine that I wanted to do something special in life something important but when I look at the repercussions I think well let's just chuck it, maybe all the struggle and the pain that goes along with it is not worth it. How would I ever be able to justify the past 6 months of solitude and tears and pain towards anything. It makes me feel like if I stayed back and applied at a few places I wanted to work in probably I would have been more happy. Or maybe? The past 6 months have seriously made me doubt that is there anything about which I will be ever happy in life. Every happy moment is short lived. Its like spurts of happiness in the vast duration of sadness and hopelessness. Anyways I have to stay together. Everything will be over and I will be in favourable surroundings soon.

Goa...........

Hmm... Goa, when I first got an admission from BITS-Goa, I was needless to say relaxed, for the alternative would have been a ridiculously expensive, highly overrated, definitely not worth it university. And boy, was I glad I made that decision. Looking back at the times I think that was the best decision I made ever in my life till now. I had the most amazing times of my life there. If given a chance I would always want to go to Goa, once every year. It was here where I realized my love for beaches. Not the crowded ones, but the quiet ones.... The beaches of Majorda, Wagator... so quiet , so peaceful... Ah Majorda, the white sand, the tables on beach with candles all set for romantic dinners, and the patch of the beach where there were riptides, so that noone went to the water there and the beach being completely empty. It felt like a private beach and I just remembered all the countless sunsets I have seen there. Oh, the bike rides to all the places... The cute li'l colonial houses all along the 'perfect for riding' roads, the shopping places alongside the beaches...

I have always been afraid of water, but when you stand on the sand, with the sun sinking into the horizon, and the water is all of shades colour you can imagine, the clouds giving your imagination a shape and the waves just kissing your feet, I don't think anyone can resist that. Well, atleast I couldn't... I enjoyed watching the most scenic sunsets everyday for 4 years, I enjoyed the rains and rainbows and wonderful winds every evening... I couldn't have asked for a better place to live... Everyone tells me its the people and not the place, well I agree having found so many amazing friends did made a difference, but there was some undeniable charm in the place too. First, our campus was just brilliant. The place was just way too scenic, atop a hillock, looking over the Zuari river. My parents always told me everyone should have the hostel experience in their live. It helps you grow up, makes you realize what you are capable off and more importantly, you make friends who stay with you for life. I know school life was great, but it was very rare to share every single moment with your friends when back in school. You had to go home at some point. In BITS, your hostel was your home. I cannot even explain how fun it was to celebrate birthdays at the midnight, or sitting and chatting, watching FRIENDS, sipping hot mugs of tea, making maggi, taking care of each other in case someone fell sick, or had some crisis.. I remember studying together the first semester for weekly quizzes...celebrating holi together, watching ridiculous movies and talking... Oh the talking, I miss the most, talking about anything and everything under the sun, just blabbering and laughing and the walks after dinner, and hanging out at nescafe, or monginis, or juice center. It was just amazing. May not be sophisticated or glamorous, but it was in these small things where lied so much happiness.

College is over and we should realize it. It was fun 4 years. That's why everyone used to say, enjoy as much while you can, not because you can't when you go out, but then the things which spelled happiness for you will change and in most cases not for good. I am not clinging on to the past wishing that I could go back always but sometimes nostalgia just overpowers you and you close your eyes and picture the day when 11 people packed into a Tata Sumo talking all kinds of crap, singing all kinds of songs just driving down the road in the most beautiful place I have ever been..

Let it be...

I forgot for a while how hard it is to say goodbye to the people you love.... I hate goodbyes and I suck at them. I don,t want to say a goodbye ever. I said goodbye to one of the dearest friends I made after coming here. Doing so made me realized how hard it is to make a friend who thinks like you, and more importantly how hard it is to say goodbye. As I was seeing her get into the bus, I wish I could shout out at the universe for making this happen.. But I couldn't for I knew that even though this brings immense heartbreak for me, it showered so much happiness for her.

If you know me, then probably I am the most sentimental person you have ever seen. I am the kind of person who cries at the most ridiculously made movies and series. I hate that about me, crying has been a sign of weakness, I hate that I am so weak that I can't control my tears. I was supposed to love this phase of life and I hate that I hate this life so much. I want to love what I do, and nothing is helping. I feel so helpless, being 16,000 miles away from home. Why is it that I am so attached to home like a 2 year old? Its so hard worrying about everything. I guess that kind of takes out the motivation to do anything. But this is not me, I was supposed to be strong, stand by all... and all of this makes me mad , mad at my inability to stand upto a decision I made. I want to believe thats this decision is not wrong. I know deep in my heart that this decision is not wrong. Then why does it feel wrong... I don,t want it to feel wrong. But everytime I think of it my mind just drifts off to the fact that what if it is wrong. What if I didn't know what to do... But then I want to study more, studying was the only thing I was ever good at, studying is the only thing I did ever... Studying is all I know, all I did for the past 20 years of my life and now I can,t wait to be done with it... I want to do a Phd but not like this, not like worrying about everything else except studying, worrying about a stupid loan, worrying about internship, worrying about getting a professor...What the hell is this? I thought that doing Phd is all about studying and research and doing things that you like.... This is wrong and I don,t know what have I done to deserve this...

I know sometime I will look back at this time and think that this made me strong, but right now I don't want to be strong. I wish to live comfortably, not luxuriously but comfortably. I am not really uncomfortable right now, but it would be nice to take a trip or go out for dinner without feeling bad. Now as I write this I realize I am so damn spoilt... Why can't I live without a trip outside of West Lafayette, why am I so mad at not being able to go outside for a movie.... Why is it necessary? And I am sick of people asking me again and again and again... How the hell do I made them realize that its not the same for me? Am I overreacting... No, I don,t think so. I am not overreacting and you know what when people say I understand that its all bull shit... people don't understand a thing, they just keep telling it like some broken record, well if you understand it, how about not mentioning it the next time, or even if you mention it how about not looking fucking pissed about it... I haven,t talked to my home since last week, haven't talked to my love since 10 days... 10 days... Its bad enough that I get to see them after 1.5 years.. this was not supposed to be hard.One moment of smile brings a million reasons to cry and I hate crying, I hate myself for not making myself strong enough not to cry.I hate myself for losing my temper and not just ignore people who don't matter.

Oh God! I don,t know what to do.... Just Let it be :|

Innocent Wishes

When we were a kid, what did we want? A li'l more freedom, the extra ice-cream, chocolates, the ability to watch TV for a longer time, not have a routine time to turn in, innocent wishes, innocent demands... When did wishes become so complicated, when did your wishes do freaking complicated.. I still wait for a day, when someone smiling at me would make me happy... As a kid I used to love everything, love going to school, love waiting for weekends, when I didn't have to stay in creche, love eating occasional junk food... love when papa used to bring something as simple as new stationery for school, love when Mumma baked a cake for you on your birthday... I do not want to dwell on the fact that I am not happy here, but it keeps coming back, like a reminder post-it on my wall... I hate that I am not happy here... For the first time in my life I watched a movie alone today in a hall ... it made me think, why the hell am I rotting 16000 miles away from my home, from the people whom i love, more importantly the people who love me, at this godforsaken place. Its been two days since the new Harry Potter movie has been released and I haven't seen it. It wouldn't be the cool thing to do, but its my thing.. I don't want to like sophisticated stuff when I love doing so called 'kid' things... I am scared of losing will to do anything. I have lost the will to do good, to look good, to be good, all I want is for this phase to be over.... Some day will come when the tears will dry up, the will to live gone... I fear this happening to me.... I haven't been myself for even one day after I have come over...

Imagine

What do we crib about? A pending assignment, a tough test, not having fun stuff to do...

Reading the last few posts and looking at my life generally I know, not think, but know, I am the wrong person to talk about cribbing. I am the queen of cribbing... Throughout my life all I have ever done was crib, and achieved and then cribbed some more. Its another thing to be wanting to achieve more and another to not celebrate what you have achieved. There have been people who have remained happy and achieved more or people who have remained happy and achieved less, but the point is that they were happy. I have somehow found out the deepest darkest thing that depresses me to no bound... I have never ever met a more negative person than me , a person who cribs more than me, who despite being a science student believes in stupid stuff such as a black cat crossing in front brings bad luck... Really? Knowledge is supposed to enlighten you... What has it done for me?

I just saw a video ( Happy Christmas, War is over by John Lennon), it showed what real problems are? For some people getting a roof over head and eating 2 meals a day is all that matters... Not the crap we ( specifically I) keep worrying about...

It was John Lennon's birthday yesterday.. I didn't know about him for a long time... But man was he super awesome... Somehow, I am very very influenced by his music... People talk about peace on face, while thinking of payback at the back of their minds... Wow this guy was super duper great... I wish I were born in the 70's during Beatlemania . I love the music, somehow it makes me forget at least for the 3 minutes that the song is on , about my numerous "issues".I am in such awe of people who have a passion for something and actively pursue it, just for themselves. Just to be happy.. to have one part in their life, which they can truly enjoy.. There is so much that I want to do, to say I don't have time would be wrong... Everyone us hard pressed for time, still they find the extra hour and half to do which brings a smile to their face. I would someday like to be that person. Sometimes I feel that I am not passionate about anything in life, which depresses me even more... I wonder if it is true or not. I hope its not. I don't want to say I am passionate about my studies, because I am not. Had I been even 10 % passionate I would not have abandoned the plan for PhD just like the others...

Coming back to John Lennon, I wish he was alive, I wish

there was no Chapman, I would have loved to see/meet him.... I believe the world is divided into two groups of people, people who love Beatles and people who have not heard any song of theirs so far... I just cannot believe there exists a sect of people who do not like Beatles. I personally think its not possible. Listen to 'Imagine' if you haven't yet. Its the simplicity of the song that you get addicted to. Its like the more you hear, the more you don't it to stop, just go on forever. Music truly has the power to inspire, motivate, make you happy, make you forget.. It is being lost in a world you would wish to have.. From the millions fan of his from around the world I am sure I am not the only person who thinks that.

His music was mind-blowing and I am sure the person was too.

Happy Birthday Mr. John Lennon....

I end with a famous saying by Lennon,

A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality.

pic : http://joe-ferraro.com/images/john_lennon_1.jpg

One month gone... 23 more to go...

It's been one month.. The decision doesn't seem so right anymore. The distance so painful that tears cannot justify them. Every second you spend here I wish were not here, but back to where I belong. If someone would have told me this earlier, I would have thrashed saying what an absurd comment to make. But, its with mistakes you learn. I made another decision today, and it feels right. To stay for 2 years and not for 5. To work in two years and be over with it all. The financial repercussions of my so called "dream" is hurting the people I love the most. So, what choice do I have? To have a fancy prefix to my name, or to do what really matters. I agree I am materialistic, I do not know what's wrong with it. The only people who are not materialistic is people who have enough to not worry about it. So, yes I will say, I think there is nothing wrong in being materialistic. I want an easy life, luxurious life, so I think there is nothing wrong in being materialistic.

I have left so many people whom I love back home. This place seems cold, when you have to live with people you wouldn't wanna be friends with. Every small thing is missed so much that it seems like having a constant ache. People find it good, but I don't. People say it's too early to not like it. Can I ask, if I had liked it, people wouldn't have told me that its too early to like it , then why is not liking part not acceptable? Why the hell do I care about what people are thinking?

2 years , the countdown has begun. One month has gone and I have to survive just another 23, before its all over for good.

16,000 kms away from home. WOW, I never thought I will miss home this bad. Every morning I wake up wishing I was back to the place I love, to the place I belong. Let me tell you one thing, it does not feel good to be a foreigner.

When I think back of home, I feel there are a million things I should have done, or rather not have done. I shouldn't have shouted at mom, when she made parathas for breakfast 3 days in a row, shouldn't have shouted at Dad when he bought a million fruits for you to eat, shouldn't have fought with brother for one extra hour of Internet, should have told them how much they mean to me, how much they are being missed now, how much I wish I could come back, should have thanked them for sacrificing so much for me, should have helped them more, should have made less demands....

When I think back of the love of my life, I wish I should have never applied, should have never come here. I just want one more day with him, just one more hour. I wished I had fought less over petty things, should have given more time to him, shouldn't have made him wait for me for hours, should have taken a little less time in getting ready, should have gone to his choice of restaurants and not made a fuss, should have taken care of him a li'l bit more. What would I not give to be back with him... 2 more years, sounds so much worse. I swear it will just be 2 years of studying. I could hear the happiness in my mom's voice when she said come back beta, even 2 years is a long time.

I am sure the place is great and holds undeniable charm to a lot of people, it just doesn't cut out for me. I never gave so much thought while applying. I never knew I would be so lost..

Pros and Cons ....

It's that point in life again. I have been feeling that I am constantly on move. Every time I get settled and feel at home at some place, its time to pack things up and start life afresh. I have not yet decided whether doing so is good or bad. Five years ago I made such a move and I will swear on anything that it was one of the best decisions of my life. Five wonderful years.. I don't regret any of it. I have learnt so much academically and otherwise. Now I have left Goa since the last one year, but the attraction to it still remains. Not because its a hip place to be in or something but because it was my home for four years. Despite being extremely attached to my family I stayed there and except for the initial bout of home-sickness, I don't think I have ever wished to leave it. Well, the above statement is just an exaggeration. I have wished to leave it atleast a thousand times, when I got bad marks, when I fought with friends, when I got sick... But I realize now all this made that place special. I mean if it were all happy memories there, probably it would not have left such a mark in my heart.

Now five years later, I begin another journey. This time its huge... huger than huge.. Its not a place which is just a phone call away from my come. The feeling somehow is a bit different. Its a feeling of excitement mixed with anxiety. Excitement about all the new things I am going to learn and experience and fear of the unknown, of going to a strange land. So, many rules which seem absurd.. so many things to be taken care of. It's not like if you screw up it will be okay... because I know it will be not. But, at the same time I know a little bit of caution and the experience I gain out of it, it will be priceless. Knowing all the pros and cons.. I can only hope that this decision comes out to be another good one.

Betrayed by own country... Where will they go?

Imagine knowing that the air you breathe will kill you, when you have no wish to die? What do you do then.. stop breathing? Imagine worse, the death will not come instantly, except for a few ( which under given circumstances will be a less severe punishment), but it will come as a slow painful death.. Imagine the people you look upon as your saviors, taking advantage of the pain to fill their pockets .. Imagine someone estimating the cost of life of your loved one at 25,000 rupees...
Bhopal gas tragedy, the worst in the world. Official figures state the number of deaths associated with it to be 15,000, actual figures say otherwise. What do you think should be the punishment for torcher and murder of 15000( let's say) people, innocent people... Can't imagine right? It is 2 years of imprisonment, 25 years after the tragedy took place. WOW.. one must say hats off to Indian Legal system.. People may counter saying all we do is blame the government and the system, but ask the people who have gone through hell in these past 25 years. Forget medical expenses, the judiciary is incapable of delivering a proper sentence to the murderers.
How does one prove their misery? How will one prove the misery over a dead loved one? How will one prove the misery over giving birth to a metally and physically disabled child? How does one prove the misery of lying on deathbed? This is what the victims are being asked to do.. to prove their misery to get a measly amount of 25k. 25k to assuage their pain of 25 years. What was considered to be a billion dollar setllement the Indian government settled for 470 million dollars for 1.8 lakh people. Actual figures 6 lakh people are affected. On calulation comes out to be 4000 rupees per person. Why did Indian governmet settled out of court? Why does the main accused never appeared once in court, despite a non bailable warrant being issued in his name?
How will these people ever believe in Indian Judiciary or the Indian government? The supreme court abandoned the criminal cas against union carbide in 1989.
The Indian Council for Medical Research (ICMR), which was to investigate the long-term effects of the industrial disaster, stopped their studies within a decade. The victims are no longer treated as victims of gas exposure as there is no proof.

The question remains where do the people go for justice?

Home....

Its too hot.. its too cold... its unsafe... But still I cannot stop but love Delhi. Its been my home for 18 years, and every moment I spend away from home, my heart aches for it...

I haven't been home for the past 5 years and won't be for the next 5 years. It all seems so unfair to me. I am not a sentimental fool, still the thought of leaving home and seeing my family for 20 days in a year for the next 5-6 years tears my heart apart, so much so that I want to rethink my career choices. I have always not thought much of people who sacrifice their career for family, but now that I am in a similar situation, I know how wrong I was.

Anatole France once said and I quote " All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another." Its so strange, I applied to grad school knowing fully well, I have to stay away from home for another gruelling 5 years. I know grad school is going to be an experience of a life time still I do not want to leave.

Its your home, where you learnt everything, where you became you. What are you supposed to do, just move on... I miss bapa's constant reminder to eat fruits , exercise regularly, mummy's constant reminder to study hard, show less anger, drink milk, have medicines, talk politely, pray every evening, non ending fights with brother, back answering him till he has no retort left, fighting over the last leg piece of tandoori chicken... I miss home. I don't want to be away.
The though of cuddling up to mummy when sleeping, going to Mother Dairy with bapa, fighting with Rinkun for remote even when nothing is on TV just gives me unparalleled happiness.

After all, everything we do is to achieve a happy life.

Happy Holi... Wait a minute... What's holi?

I cannot believe that I am in office during holi. Never in the past 22 years of my existence have I never played holi unless and until I have been sick or something. I played holi even when I had my board exams just the next day... No yummy food, no colors, no water balloons, no scrubbing yourself red and still looking multicolored for days. I like holi a lot. I want to play holi. Its been 5 years since I spent either holi or diwali with my family, and now that I am with my cousins, everyone is off to office. Why?? Why is Holi a working day here in Bangalore? No matter how hard I try to convince myself I cannot come to a logical reason. Sad... Anyways I am here in office, in a crappy mood, writing my mid semester report. Still , Happy Holi to everyone.... :)

Reviving an old forgotten hobby

When we are swamped with reports, assignments, classes, tests, all we need is a day when we have nothing to do except sleep, eat, read (novels) , watch your favourite shows, listen to music, dance, etc. etc, and maybe just lie around doing nothing. But when we get that, the nothing to do part, all we want is some work to do... Wierd, but that's the way things are.. I have been so tensed and swamped with a million exams to give, a billion sops to write, a trillion revisions of the sop and then study again , and then sop and then study, and so on and so forth but now there seems to be a big hollow, with nothing to do.

I am not complaining but there is a huge lull, and I know this is the lull before the storm, the storm of stuff to do at graduate school. PhD is no joke. I have seen my friends so swamped with work, that they forget to sleep, the time they are done with today's work, its already tomorrow. So, this long long time which I have before I start cribbing and complaining about humongous loads of work again, I want to utilize it, reading novels, and catch up with all the reading I neglected during engineering. I feel bad thinking about it now. I used to read a lot, a LOT but the desire to do good in engineering, combined with the fierce competition at every level made me drop this habit of mine for quite a while now.

I have recently started reading novels again. I recently finished the famous "A Catcher in the Rye" by J.D. Salinger. It was good and refreshing to read a different kind of book. The story is about a rebellious boy who thinks absolutely everything is a waste, and is thoroughly confused about his own opinions as well as ambition and intention. This book made me laugh, made me sad, and reminded how much fun is it to get lost in a story. The main protagonist in the book has been thrown out of many schools, mainly because of his disinterest in studies. He had been through a lot in his life, and now instead of trying to get an education he wants to live as an outcast. I liked the ending of this book a lot. How a li'l sister not exactly convince, but through her actions makes her brother to stay at home and not run off to some ranch to herd cattle and basically throw away his life. All of us have gone through this mutinous stage: some extreme, some not too extreme. I liked the way this book was written, it was like someone would have written in his diary, not decorated with flowery vocabulary and stuff but crude and original, as the one sees the world.

So, coming back to my resolution to atleast read 100 books before going to grad school, I am deciding on my next book. I have four books lying in my room: A farewell to arms by Ernest hemigway, A brief history of time by Stephen hawking, Kim by Rudyard Kipling and Maximum city: Bombay lost and found by Suketu Mehta, I am having a hard time deciding which one to pick. But I am most likely to go with Suketu Mehta. I am curious to know about the city which I love and admire from someone else's point of view.

Till then waiting for results and reading novels :)

JOB

Placement season is here... and its chaos all around. I never considered myself to be a person who would run around looking for jobs that I have really no interest in doing. But its weird how things turn out, how perspectives change, but its natural I guess. Everyone needs a job. I never thought I would even consider doing something I know I will not like. But as the situation arises, I am. And this makes me feel gloomy and sad. I am a geek. I love electronics, I love how electrons and holes constitute current flow in a MOS. I love how a chip so small can have millions of transistors. I love transistor level simulation. I love how Faraday's law gave us Induction motors, and other machines. I love how the world now is dependent on 0's and 1's. I love how you can hold a signal and prevent it from going any further when you don't want it to. I love electronics and electrical engineering. At the verge of completing my engineering I do not wish to do anything but electronics. And the sad part about all of this is ,everything I wish to do is idealistic. But that is what I want to do. I do not want to compromise. I know I am being a stubborn, but that's who I am. I see no point in earning 7 figures if I don't like my job. In a period of 6 months I have got a faint hint of what it is to not like your work. I don't like to sit idle. The past 6 months of sitting idle has been enough. I love my internship now. If it were not for the scarcity of transportation to my home I don't think I would leave my office until dinner. I have got a taste of both, and though a bit short on other fancy services, I love my work now. I actually get to sit and think, rather than running a code, and compiling results. My mom tells me she thinks I will do good in any career path I choose. But, then again she is my mother she is supposed to say this. I am not sure I would even want to do good at some place I do not like to work. I have seen may people give up on their dreams and I am not saying that it is wrong but it shouldn't be the case. People should be allowed to dream and accomplish them and not looked down upon if their dream is not a "safe" choice. I don't like this rat race at all. I mean most of the people don't but they ( including me) become a part of this race either knowingly or unknowingly. The world is full of injustice and one doesn't realize it unless it happens to you. I am just putting random thoughts into this post which I know will not make any sense at all when it is complete. But frankly I don't care. I just wanted to write something. Anything. ...

Doctor, Marine Biologist, IAS, CEO, ENGINEER !!!!